I didn't shave. On purpose
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
