I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Randomize