this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
