Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Watching her eat just hurts me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
