I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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