plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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