Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
