Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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