If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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