Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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