Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize