make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
