Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
