I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
