nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
