Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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