I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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