Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
