I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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