i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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