I just threw up on my dentist
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm bleeding and have questions
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize