I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
