you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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