I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
