have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
