I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
