TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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