What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
