Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
