Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
