I like my sex mixed with concussions.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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