is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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