i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
