the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
