god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
These tits shall not be calmed
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
