i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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