When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
