Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
17 year olds will be the death of me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
