Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
