Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
