There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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