she woke up with a sticky ear
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
