I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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