someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
