im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
