Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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