btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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