I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize