if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
