I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
