just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
