I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
