party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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