i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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