When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
