I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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