She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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