ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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