do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
