I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
