Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
