Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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