I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize