oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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