I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
