When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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