Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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