How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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