You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize