Banned from zoo.
Again?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
