we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My ass is underappreciated
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize