Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
