Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
