I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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