News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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